Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize