I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
