Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
