Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
