I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize