i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
