If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
