I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
