Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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