so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
