She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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