Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
