Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sobbing to NWA
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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