I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
