So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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