my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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