Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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