I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
