Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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