you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
