I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
our cab driver is having phone sex.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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