Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
