Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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