there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just gargled with NyQuil
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
