Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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