why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
