I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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