My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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