you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
