I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
