I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
