So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
