I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
