Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
