he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Are my feet made of real feet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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