Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize