I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
