I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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