I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
