There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
