he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I am naked and annoyed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
