Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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