I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
