Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
3 2 1 whiskey
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
