My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
