Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
