He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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