FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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