I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
