So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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