New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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