Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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