There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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