I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
