I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
