Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
