It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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