life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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